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Closed Off

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My first blog of the year 2015. I didn’t think that I’d wait this long. Didn’t mean to either. Haven’t been feeling in the mood to put my feelings onto paper. I always felt sorry for those folks that were/are considered ‘shut-ins‘. Suddenly, it was as if a cruel twist of my inner imagination when I have realized that I too am actually considered a ‘shut-in‘, and truly have been for quite a while. Perhaps I didn’t wanna admit it, even to myself. But I have been pretty much CLOSED OFF from most of the things that I used to be able to do and from the places that I liked to go. I’m dependent upon whether or not someone will be kind enough to take me places, and unfortunately, whether or not that person deems it worthy of going there. More often than not, that will not be¬†happening. So whenever I wish to go someplace, I have to ‘plead my case‘, listen to grumbling, and hope for the best. Someone else makes the decision for me about how I spend any of my time outside of this house. Sad, isn’t it? Yet, that is my life now.

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Feeling sorry for myself? Yep! You bet I am! This wasn’t supposed to happen now….at least not for another 30+ years. I feel toooo young to be having to have somebody else decide whether or not I get to go places I wanna go when I wanna go. I also hate not being able to eat whatever I feel like eating because of so very many reasons: interactions with medications, not being able to sleep, causes gas or bloating or other discomfort, allergies, weight gain or loss, too much sugar or salt, intolerance, red dyes, causes cancer, immoral farming or fishing practices, etc. Good grief!

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Sometimes (MOST of the time, to be quite honest) I wish I had enough money to buy myself an island. It’d be a tropical, well-stocked island full of all my favorite fruit and nut trees. Then I’d plant lotsa berries and veggies, build a long deck where I could have lobster & crab traps underneath and from which I could fish for my supper. I’d hire somebody to build me an efficient little cottage plus another for my guests (you didn’t really think that I’d do my own building, eh? I’m dreaming here, and if’n I have enough money for a tropical island then I reckon I have enough money to hire a builder) and I’d throw away all my meds! Sure, I’d still be CLOSED OFF but I betcha I’d soon get healthy. Ahhh….that’s a nice dream! I’d probably only miss chocolate. But then again, my guests can bring that to me whenever they come for a visit!

Grouchy Cranky

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Health scare this week and perhaps I might be feeling somewhat sorry for myself, but I DON’T CARE! My major disability is severe Vertigo/Imbalance/extreme Dizziness. That’s why I’m officially considered to be ‘handicapped’. Okay, I don’t like the label but I treat it as it is….just a stupid label. I’ve dealt with labels as my kiddies were growing up: ‘hyperactivity’, ‘ADHD’, ‘gifted’, ‘genius’, etc.. But all in all, I didn’t allow those labels to hinder my children to be treated any differently than other kids. Nor would I ever allow their teachers to do so either. So now that I’ve been LABELED, what a ‘pain-in-the-place-I-sit’ to go to the doctor and constantly keep finding out that there’s more additions to the list of medical maladies! I’m sick of it. I’ll give myself ‘labels’ instead: GROUCHY, CRANKY, DISGRUNTLED, PEEVED! Okay, that’s enough to make my point!

It seems to me that these doctors keep adding pills, while I was hoping to start lessening the amount of meds that I take daily. I’ve already conquered the asthma, YIPPEE!! I’ve not used the inhaler for more than a year, so I’m checking that off my list! I don’t think that I have sleep apnea anymore. I may snore a bit occasionally but no more breathing apparatus, no more waking up gasping, and my daughter hasn’t complained in many months (I do keep my bedroom door open). So I’m fairly confident that I can check that off, too! But now my Neurotologist has doubled dosage on one of my meds, another doc has doubled a dosage on another med plus added a med. A specialist is referring me to yet another specialist but I’ve not yet agreed because I’m stubborn! That specialist also is sending my lab results back to my Primary Care doc for adjustment of another med, I’m definitely not looking forward to another visit to my regular doc because last month she added another med too, grrrrrr! Plus I got sent to the Cardiologist for a ‘chemically-induced stress test’ because of an unusually abnormal EKG (lots and lotsa heart disease in my family); I thought that everything was fine since I’d NOT been called right away telling me of anything wrong. I went for my ‘follow-up’ appointment, and the Cardiologist had me scheduled for a Coronary CTA the very next day (2000+ images of the heart). So now I’m waiting, waiting, waiting. I’m NOT in a good mood and I’m having to stay home, right by my potty, drinking extraordinary amounts of liquid to get the iodine flushed outa my system so that I won’t have kidney problems to add to my list! Good grief!

Isn’t there a ‘Magic Formula’ to make me well again? Or something I can do have it all ‘taken back’? I’m just tired of pricking myself daily and checking my blood sugar. I’m tired of having to adjust my daily meals according to whatever those numbers were. I’m tired of having 2 arthritic knees that usually hurt so badly that I holler out in pain if I stand too long or walk much of a distance at all. I’m tired of being so dizzy during the first half of the day that I struggle to make it to the bathroom in time. Also, my dizziness has caused my walker to make lots of dents and nicks along the hallway of my daughter’s house from my bedroom to the kitchen. I’m tired of strange bruises that show up on my legs and arms and shoulders from bumping into things during these daily bouts of Vertigo. I’m tired of not being allowed to use knives or the stove for breakfast or lunch because it’s still too early in the day (being dizzy) and I might ‘hurt myself’ on the 4 or 5 days that I’m home alone. I’m tired of crying, usually late at night, when the searing hot ‘tinglies’ start to stab my feet in a hundred places because of the diabetic neuropathy. I’m tired of the numbness in my hands that takes over a few times daily and makes it so that I’m not even able to put on my own socks or can’t lift a jug off the shelf of the fridge. I’m tired of not having as much range-of-motion in my right arm because of the ever-growing pain in my right shoulder and am worrying how much longer I’ll have use of this arm because I am right-handed. I’m tired of having to depend upon another person. This sucks big-time.

Sometimes it’s ‘good to vent‘, or so I’m told. Tomorrow is another day; hopefully a good day. Or, in my case, at least I’m hoping that it’ll be a BETTER DAY! But for now….I’m gonna be GROUCHY & CRANKY and that’s all there is to it!